


Spiral of Life

by Aubreyella



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Deviates From Canon, F/M, Most definitely NOT a slow burn, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Reluctant Inquisitor, Slightly AU Cullen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-09
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-03 16:11:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4107040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aubreyella/pseuds/Aubreyella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elyse Lavellan was at the Conclave when it exploded, but how did she survive? And, what will she do when faced with the challenges that still await her? This is a story of how love, forgiveness, and happiness can grow amongst war and desolation. </p><p>This is loosely based on the events of Inquisition. I have twisted some things and made them my own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Smitereens

**Author's Note:**

> Much love to Gabtinha for her support and pressuring me to post this. I have several other chapters written, so I don't know why I was waiting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyse doesn't want it, but really has no choice. Attraction blooms.

“A circle is the reflection of eternity. It has no beginning and it has no end – and if you put several circles over each other, then you get a spiral.”

~Maynard James Keenan

 

Elyse Lavellan sat in her cabin on the outskirts of Haven and wondered how she had gotten there. She had snuck her way, using every stealth technique in her repertoire, to the Conclave held by Divine Justinia. She believed that Justinia was on the right track trying to find peace between the Templars and Mages. It was just too bad that it got everyone who attended blown to smithereens. All except her.

That was a over a week ago. Since, Elyse had awoke in prison, was interrogated by two very powerful, very frightening women, obtained some sort of strange magic that nobody knew anything about, used the said magic to close fade rifts, halfway repaired the sky and fought demons. All of these things were not what she wanted to be doing. The person she had been tracking, a Templar, hadn’t been there. She had managed to make sure of that before the Temple of Sacred Ashes blew up. Now, everything had gotten far more complicated for her.

She was being very tight lipped about why she was at the Conclave. She knew it wasn’t helping her case of innocence, but really her business wasn’t anyone else’s business and she had no idea why her hand was all freaky glowy. She really couldn’t remember what happened after she got to the Conclave and scoped all the Templars that had attended to make sure that the one she was looking for was not there.

She was now labeled ‘The Herald of Andraste’. Somehow a Dalish elf was at the center of this freaky heretical movement.

She would much rather be invisible than revered. She was used to it, it was safe. Maybe if she laid low, maybe then they would let her go so she could finish what she had left her clan for.

Elyse looked down at her hand again and continued to try to find a way to get back on her mission. She knew the Conclave was her last resort and she was at a dead end trying to find the Templar. Maybe the Inquisition would have other resources and avenues she could explore. She would bide her time, help out, and secretly keep looking.

There was a sudden rapt on her door. “Herald, if you would please join us in the war room as soon as you can,” came a voice from the other side of the door. She recognized it as the dark haired woman, Cassandra.

 _Well_ , she thought, _I am not slipping away today._

“If you wait one moment, I will walk with you,” she yelled at the door.

Elyse stood up off her bed, grabbed her boots and pulled them on. She slung her quiver and bow over her shoulder and opened the door. She walked out and noticed Cassandra waiting not far. “Thank you for waiting. Is there a reason why I am needed in the war room?”

“I thought you should formally meet everyone, Herald.”

“Why? Not long ago, I was a prisoner. And my name is Elyse.”

“Lets discuss this with the others,” Cassandra said cautiously. “You are not being detained.”

Elyse nodded and fell into step beside Cassandra. She looked down at her hand again. “Does it trouble you? The mark?” Cassandra asked.

“It quit spreading which is good. It kind of tickles sometimes when I close a rift,” Elyse replied quietly.

Cassandra nodded and asked, “I know it is early, I hope I didn’t wake you. Have you eaten yet? I can direct you where to go for food if you would like.”

“I have been awake for hours, Cassandra,” Elyse said. “I was a bit nauseous this morning though, so I haven’t eaten. I will grab something at the tavern after we do whatever we are doing in the war room.”

Cassandra nodded and they walked the rest of the way in silence. They walked in and Cassandra closed the door tightly behind her. She proceeded to introduce the other three people in the room. “This is Commander Cullen, leader of the Inquisition’s forces.”

“Such as they are,” Commander Cullen replied and Elyse blushed when he smiled at her.

Cassandra glared at him and continued on with her introductions. She introduced the beautiful dark skinned woman as Josephine Montilyet, in charge of diplomacy. The redhead, however, she had already met when she was imprisoned, though not officially. She was the spymaster, Leliana.

“It is a pleasure to meet you all, but why exactly am I here?” she asked quietly. “It has been determined that I had nothing to do with what happened at the Conclave. I have done what was asked of me.”

Leliana cut Elyse off, “It appears that Cassandra has not informed you of anything since you woke up from stabilizing the breach.”

“I had hoped we could do that together, Leliana,” Cassandra said bluntly.

Suddenly, Elyse understood. “The choice has been taken away from me,” she whispered.

“What do you mean?” the Commander asked.

Leliana looked at her sympathetically. “I am sorry, but without you, we have already lost.”

“I still should’ve been asked. I understand what is at stake. The whole fucking world could be sucked into the hole in the sky…” Elyse said as her eyes started to leak. “What were you thinking? ‘Oh, she is just one little Dalish elf. She’ll do what she’s told.’” Elyse could feel her body start to shake, so she turned around to try and regain her composure.

“Very badly done, Cassandra,” the Commander whispered anger clear in his voice. “We want her help willingly.”

Josephine walked around the table and placed her hand on Elyse’s shoulder. “I’m very sorry for my colleague's misstep. I hope this hasn’t put you off our cause.”

Elyse patted her hand and whispered, “Give me a minute.”

She walked out of the war room and turned left into a room that had a couple of beds in it. She started to pace trying to get herself to stop crying. She was livid.

There was a knock on the door and it opened without her answering. “I’m sorry if I am intruding, but I wanted to formally apologize what happened.”

She turned and saw the Commander standing across the room with his hands clasped behind his back.

“I’m sorry for losing my composure,” she said to the man. “I am not usually so emotional.”

With him standing across the room, she was able to take in his appearance. He was a formidable man, with wide shoulders made even wider by the fur pauldrons he wore. He just took up a lot of space in the room without him even trying. He was handsome, bulky, blond and tall. She was used to slighter men, not that many had caught her eye. She should have been frightened but, he had the kindest hazel eyes that she had ever seen. She felt quite safe with him. The scar on his full lips that was so appealing, and she heard herself ask, “How did you get that scar?” before she could stop herself. She inwardly kicked herself, but the question was asked and couldn’t be retracted.

His hand moved to his lip, rubbed the back of his neck, and he laughed slightly, “I’m afraid that it isn’t as exciting as you imagine. I was in a horse accident.”

“Why were you not healed?”

“Elyse,” he began. “May I call you Elyse? The answer to that question will require a much longer answer and I am afraid that we do not have that much time. Perhaps later.”

“Elyse is fine. Or Ellie. Whatever you are comfortable with,” she said quietly.

“Please call me Cullen. I believe we will be working together quite closely. I heard that you are quite skilled with a bow. I hope you will stop by the training yard and show me what you can do.” Elyse nodded and Cullen’s smile was radiant. “Good! I look forward to seeing you there soon,” he said with bright eyes. Elyse’s stomach flipped. She didn’t understand why she was having such a visceral reaction to this man. She did know that this was not the time to examine those feelings, if she examined them at all. Hopefully, since they would be working together for the foreseeable future, the feelings would dissipate.

There were other people waiting, so she said, “Thank you, Cullen. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable with my outburst. It wasn’t my intention. I hate it when my choices are taken away without my consent. Let’s get back to the war room and start planning whatever it is you people have up your sleeve.”

“No need to apologize, Elyse. Shall we?” he asked with a small bow.

She opened the door and walked back where the five of them argued over which faction, the Templars or Mages, would be beneficial in sealing the breach. What felt like an eternity was really only two and a half hours, it was decided that they would approach the rebel mages for help.


	2. Shield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyse and Cullen spend a little time together. The plot thickens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks Gabtiha-- you're awesome.

They had been planning and strategizing for a week. Every morning Leliana would knock on her cabin and escort her to the war room. Elyse was sure that Cassandra recognized the mistake of not including her in the decision of Elyse joining the Inquisition, that the Seeker was avoiding her. This morning she had had enough.

“Good morning, Herald,” Leliana said cheerily.

“Good morning. Leliana, though I am appreciative of your efforts, I do not need an escort. I know the way to the war room,” Elyse said crankily. 

“Oh, I can see how it would appear that way,” Leliana replied to herself. “Your cabin was on the way, and I just thought we could walk together. I am sorry if it appeared otherwise.”

Elyse smiled at her. “No. I'm sorry. I did not mean to assume the worst.”

Leliana giggled, “Well I am the spymaster. But, really, I was hoping that a friendly face would make you more comfortable here.”

“Thank you for that, and please call me Elyse.”

“I will, thank you,” she replied. It didn’t take long until the women were in their spots at the war table going over the latest correspondence from the Crossroads. 

After it was decided that the Inquisition would find a healer for the refugees, they moved on to strategizing their trip to Val Royeaux. The war council kept going over and over the same material and Elyse was getting sick of it. She tuned Cassandra out after she had brought up mapping the fastest route to the Orleasian city-- again. Elyse couldn’t take anymore. She was exhausted and said, “I need to break from the planning. It is decided that after we go to Val Royeaux, we will discuss heading to Redcliffe Village to start negotiations with the mages. We have gone over it from every angle several times. Can we pick this up in the morning?”

Everyone agreed and disbanded after deciding to meet the next morning to discuss travel to Val Royeaux. Josephine went to her office just off the war room, and Cassandra followed her after a sheepish look at Elyse. Leliana practically disappeared, probably to her tent. She was left in the room with the Commander who was busy collecting the papers strewn across the table. She turned to leave but was stopped, “Elyse, if you wait just a second, I’ll walk with you.”

“I don’t need a babysitter, Commander,” Elyse replied. “I know Haven pretty well. It isn’t that big.”

“Elyse, that is not what I am doing. You are obviously an adult and I am grateful you have decided to stay. I have noticed that you do not interact much with the others here and I can understand that. I too enjoy my solitude. But, I could be your shield, if you wanted,” he said with a smile. 

“I just don’t know how to respond to these people. They’re either afraid of me, or in awe of me. It is a little unnerving. I am not used to people noticing me at all,” she said with a laugh.

“This could be mutually beneficial. May I escort you to your cabin?” 

“I was going to stop at the tavern and pick up a late lunch. I’ll probably take it to the lake to eat. I am sick of being indoors.”

“Would you like company?” he asked.

“You are welcome to join me, though I don’t know how good of company I’ll be.”

He nodded and smiled. They walked to the tavern and along the way Elyse noticed that although people looked at them, some even started to walk towards them, nobody actually approached. They grabbed the special, a savory meat pie, along with a skin of water all packed snugly in a basket that the Commander took from her to carry. They walked toward the frozen lake making small talk along the way. 

They found a tree near the far side of lake and before she could set out their lunch, Cullen whipped off his cloak, fur pauldron and all, and laid it under the tree. Elyse smiled and gingerly sat down, making sure to keep her boots off of the beautiful material. Then, he removed his breastplate and sword, laying it next to him, Cullen sat next to her and she started digging through the basket trying to distract herself from the much more casual man sitting next to her. The bartender had included two bottles of wine in the basket. When she pulled it out, she laughed, “Did she think this was a date?”

Cullen rubbed his neck and laughed nervously along with her. “Well we might as well drink it.”

“I must warn you that I am not much of a drinker,” she said.

“Nor am I, Elyse,” he said as he reached for his sword and broke off the top of the bottle in one clean swipe. “There wasn’t a corkscrew. I hope there are glasses.”

Elyse dug through the basket and produced two mugs and she handed them to Cullen. He poured the wine and handed her a cup. She took a sip and looked around at their surroundings. They were far enough away from town that they should have complete privacy, something she was grateful for. She picked up her pie and took a bite. She looked down at it and hummed in appreciation around her next bite. “This is really good.” When she looked up, she saw that Cullen was watching her intently. “What?”

He cleared his throat and shook his head. “So, where are you from?”

“I’m sure you know that I’m from the Free Marches already, Commander,” she teased. “My clan lived near Wycome, in fact.”

“I spent time in Kirkwall, myself. When I used to be a Templar.”

“I believe I have heard about that, ser. You say you ‘used to be’ a Templar, you mean you are not any longer?”

“I left the order when Cassandra brought her cause to me. I had spent most of my life with the Templars, and it has not been an easy life for me. The Inquisition may not be there yet, but it has the potential to be better- to change the world. Forgive me, I am sure you are not looking for a lecture,” he chuckled. 

“No, but if you have one prepared, I’ll listen,” she responded. 

“Perhaps another time,” he chuckled.

As their lunch was consumed, they learned more about each other. They didn’t get into the down and dirty of their pasts, but she was from the Free Marches and had heard the rumors of what went down in Kirkwall. She didn’t press, and by an unspoken mutual decision, they kept the conversation light. She learned of his siblings, and he learned of her love of the forest. Mostly, they ate in comfortable silence. 

She had barely touched her wine, but noticed that Cullen had finished off the first bottle and had set the second bottle aside unopened. She smiled to herself and wondered how many people saw the Commander this relaxed. His mood was infectious and she relaxed as well. She layed back on the soft cloak and inhaled deeply. The cloak smelled delicious- like pine, wood smoke, and something distinctly male. She ran her fingers through the soft fur of the pauldron. “Is this great bear fur?” she asked. 

“Very astute,” he said as he looked down on her. She caught him looking and he moved to lay down beside her. 

His movement made her nervous, so she moved to stand and said, “I hope I am not keeping you from your work, Commander. I appreciate the company and conversation, but you don’t have to stay here if you don’t want. I am used to being alone.”

He looked up at her and grabbed her hand before she could get up. He pulled her back down and said, “Relax. I am exactly where I want to be. I have someone keeping an eye on training, so that is taken care of. Paperwork can wait until tomorrow. I’ll need something to keep me busy while you are off in Val Royeaux.”

She noticed that he didn’t let go of her hand. “If you are sure. It is nice out here. A little cold maybe. Especially when I am sitting on your cloak.”

“I am Ferelden. The cold doesn’t bother me much. Are you cold?”

“No, I’m fine,” she said. “Why are you being so nice to me, Commander?”

“Would you like the long answer or the short answer to that question?”

“I am not sure I am ready to hear the long answer right now, so hit me with the short answer,” Elyse said with a smile. 

“Simply put, I like you,” he said sincerely. 

“You barely know me, Commander,” she whispered as she looked down at her hand trying to hide her blush. 

“And, Herald of Andraste, you barely know anything about me, but, from what you do know, do you like me?” he asked with a chuckle. 

“Elyse,” she responded automatically. She wasn’t comfortable with her title. 

“And I am Cullen, but you keep referring to me as ‘Commander.’ However, you are dodging my question. Do you like me?”

Elyse looked around at their isolated spot on the lake and tried to come up with an answer. She did like him, she could admit that to herself and considering what… she shook that off, now wasn’t the time to think about that, and put herself back into the present. She didn’t know how to tell him or what to say so she acted. She kissed him. 

Elyse stiffened when she felt Cullen’s hand on the back of her head, but she relaxed when she realized he was only reaching to pull out the pin holding her bun in place. Her hair spilled down over her shoulder and Cullen hummed into the kiss. She went to move and he moved with her their lips barely separating, “That was a sufficient answer, Elyse,” he whispered. 

Elyse made a snap decision. She didn’t want to talk anymore, she didn’t want to think about anything beyond Cullen and this afternoon. She closed the gap kissing him again. 

He flipped over so he was leaning over her. Her hands moved to his shirt and began to unbutton it. He reached for the ties on her light armor which gave easily. He looked down at her and whispered, “This can stop anytime.”

She responded with, “I just want to not think about anything, Cullen. I want this. I want you.”

He kissed her fiercely. “You’re so beautiful. I noticed you that first day,” but he was interrupted by Elyse kissing him again. 

“Not now, Cullen,” she said and she moved trying to figure out how to remove his pants. He got down to the task and it wasn’t long before they were both lost in each other. She got the laces of his pants open and wrapped her small hand around his hard length. “Hurry, please Maker, hurry Cullen!” 

He growled as he peeled her pants off, leaving her in her smalls. If it was cold, Elyse didn’t feel it because Cullen whispered, “Elyse,” and her abdomen flooded with heat. She lifted her hips to help him when he went to remove the final barrier. He positioned himself at her entrance and pushed in slightly. Elyse grabbed his ass and guided him in further. Cullen pushed forward until he was fully seated and he groaned. 

Elyse could feel him trembling trying to hold back. She whispered, “Let go, Cullen. You feel so good.”

That seemed to be his trigger because he crashed his lips to hers and began to thrust rapidly, but gently. Elyse found his rhythm and matched it. 

It didn’t last long for them to find their pleasure and after they redressed, Cullen kissed her tenderly. “I think we may be missed if we are out here much longer,” she whispered. “Thank you for spending time with me, Cullen.”

“I should be thanking you, Elyse,” he said softly. “I’ve been lonely, and you have helped ease that. I look forward to getting to spending more time with you.”

“Hopefully I will be around for a while. Lets get back before Cassandra sends the troops out looking,” she said with a smile. 

“She would too,” he laughed.

Elyse and Cullen walked back toward Haven in silence, but holding tightly to one another’s hand. When they got close to the gate, Elyse took the basket from him. “I will return this to the tavern on my way to my cabin. I’ll see you tomorrow morning in the war room?”

“Yes, you will. Be well, Elyse,” he said tenderly with a soft smile as he stroked her cheek. 

They parted ways and Elyse dropped the basket off quickly. While there she grabbed another meat pie for later and exited the tavern. On her way to her cabin, she was stopped by Solas. 

“Herald, if you have a minute may I have a word?” he asked. 

“My name is Elyse, Solas,” she said. “And sure.”

“I wanted to talk to you about your mark, and your pregnancy,” he said bluntly.

“I’m not pregnant, Solas,” she said.

“But you are, I believe that is what protected you from the mark spreading even farther than your hand and saved your life. I cannot be sure, but it is a theory I would like to test if you are willing,” he said. 

Elyse didn’t hear anything else and she didn’t answer Solas. She dropped her pie and ran toward her cabin barring the door. 

Her back slid down the wall opposite the door. I can’t be, she thought. She did the math quickly in her head. Ten weeks since her last cycle. 

“Well, shit,” she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Witherstalk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyse and company go to Val Royeaux.

 

Elyse woke the next morning to a banging on her door. She hadn’t moved from the spot where she collapsed the night before. She groaned as she moved to a sitting position. She had spent most of the night thinking over everything that had happened. Pregnant. Cullen. Pregnant. Templar. Pregnant. The Breach. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. What was she going to do? How could she have not realized. Beyond a little nausea in the morning, she had had no symptoms. The knocking began again.

“Elyse, if you do not open this door, I will break it down,” the Commander yelled.

Elyse coughed, “One second.” She got up and stretched. She walked to the door and opened it a crack and peeked out. “What can I help you with, Commander?”

He pushed past her into the cabin and closed the door tightly. “Is everything alright, Elyse?” he asked as he stepped toward her to try and grab her hand.

She stepped away from him. “I’m fine Commander. Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Cut the shit, Elyse. You didn’t show up to the war room this morning. Nobody has seen you since Solas talked with you yesterday afternoon,” Cullen began. “He said that you probably did not feel well and to let you alone. I came just after the war room meeting. Everyone is worried about your wellbeing. You seem fine, so there must be another reason for having missed the meeting.”

Elyse tried to interrupt him, “Cul--”

“I am not done. Do you regret our afternoon, Elyse?” he asked as he stood in the center of her cabin with his arms folded.

“It is not that, Commander. It is not you,” she replied softly. “Its me.”

“That’s an old excuse, Elyse. What is it really?”

“I can’t--” she began but the tears began to flow down her cheeks.

“I can’t help if you don’t open up to me,” Cullen whispered.

She shook her head, “I need to go make apologies to Cassandra. May I see you out, Commander?”

“No need,” he said as he started toward the door. He looked over his shoulder. “You leave for Val Royeaux in the morning. You need to go to the stables and get fitted for a horse beforehand. I am sure someone can direct you in that direction.”

“Thank you.”

He opened the door and walked out. She watched him leave. She wanted to go after him, but she couldn’t. It was her fight, and now the with the baby, she had to get back on track. She would hold tightly to the memory of that afternoon with the handsome Commander, but she had to push him away and focus. Elyse wasn’t Cullen’s responsibility.

She stood up, splashed water on her face and steeled herself to go visit the stables. She planned on stopping at Cassandra’s tent on the way, but didn’t want to run into Cullen, so she decided she would apologise the next time she saw her. After being fitted with a beautiful bay mare named ‘Butterfly’ she walked to the lake. She sat down on a rock and tried to clear her mind.

She wasn’t there long when she felt a presence join her. She looked over and saw Solas standing there. “The lake is really beautiful,” he said softly. “I brought you a sandwich.”

“It is,” she whispered. “Thank you.”

“I am intrigued by you,” he said. “You should have died with everyone else, but you were protected.”

“The baby,” she whispered.

“So I suspect,” he said. “Are you not happy?”

“I don’t know what I am,” she said.    

“I can understand. You didn’t know then?”

“No.”

“Why were you at the Conclave?” he asked sympathetically. “Your answer will go no further than this spot.”

“I was tracking a Templar. He was not there.”

“I see,” he said not pressing for more information. “I will be accompanying you to Val Royeaux along with Cassandra and Varric. Do you want me to knock on the door to your cabin in the morning when it is getting close to time to depart?”

“I would appreciate that, Solas. I need to pack for the journey. Thank you for the sandwich,” she stood. She was relieved that she wouldn’t have to travel with the Commander. That would have been torture. “Please do not mention my condition to anyone. I will do that once I wrap my mind around it more.”

“You have my word, Herald,” he said.

“My name is Elyse,” she said as she started walking back toward her cabin. At her door, someone had left a pair of beautifully tooled leather saddlebags. She picked them up and figured they were left by the horsemaster. Her pack wasn’t good for horseback travel, so she’d have to remember to thank him. She opened one up and filled it with some clean clothing, her hair brush, soap, and a few extra hair pins. The other one she figured she could use once she got to Val Royeaux and fill it with supplies and provisions that she would acquire there, so she didn’t even bother to look inside.

Early the next morning, Elyse was deep in thought about what she should do about the baby when Solas knocked. “Elyse, we’re leaving shortly.”

“Thank you, I’ll be right out.”

She exited her cabin with her bow and quiver slung over her shoulder, carrying her saddlebags. She walked towards the paddock quietly and was grateful for how early it was. She saw that Butterfly was already saddled and waiting. The horsemaster was there and he took her saddlebags, slung them over the horse, and secured them so they wouldn’t fall off. “These are beautiful bags, Herald.”

“I meant to thank you for them,” Elyse said with a smile.

“What do you mean?”

“They were waiting on my doorstep waiting for me. Did you not leave them?” Elyse asked quietly.

“It wasn’t me, Ma’am,” he said as he gave her a hand to help her mount.

“That’s curious,” she said. “Be well, Horsemaster.”

“Andraste be with you, Herald,” he replied.

“My name’s Elyse.”

He chuckled and nodded. Cassandra was already moving out of the courtyard and onto the road closely followed by Solas and Varric. “Stay close, Herald. We do not want you to get lost,” Cassandra called behind her.

Elyse rolled her eyes but nudged her horse closer to the group. She did not correct Cassandra when she called her ‘Herald’. Elyse was still upset with her and didn’t think she deserved the privilege of her name. It was petty, but Elyse didn’t care.

They rode hard to Val Royeaux only stopping to camp and let the horses rest. Each evening, the small group would break to do individual things. Elyse spent most of her time in her tent or around the camp gathering herbs. Late in the afternoon on of the eighth day of travel, Elyse looked up and could see what she assumed was Val Royeaux in the distance. They pushed on until they were close and made camp.

She was just entering her tent when she was stopped, “Herald, we should discuss what we are going to say to the Chantry Mothers.”

“I am sure you have it well in hand, Seeker. I’m just here to wave my hand around.”

“You are supposed to…”

“What am I supposed to do? I am a Dalish elf. I am nobody to these people. They gather elves up and put them in alienages. We are looked down upon. Do you think I am any different because I have this?” she asked holding up her glowing hand. “Chancellor Rodderick should have been warning enough of what the Chantry thinks of the Inquisition. They think we are heretics. Talking to the Mothers is just a waste of time.”

During her diatribe, Varric and Solas had moved closer. “Herald, do you not believe in our cause?” Cassandra asked.

“Finally someone asks me,” she said with an exasperated sigh. “I believe that we are the right track. The breach must be closed and the Inquisition is the only group trying to accomplish that. That is why we are here. People need to see that the Inquisition is out trying to fix the sky. We need to be visible.”

“She is right Cassandra,” Solas interjected. “The fact that she is an elf will not help any, but people are starting to rally at Haven because of her efforts- she has helped the refugees at the Crossroads and strengthened our resolve against the demons and the fade rifts. People are taking notice. We do not need the Chantry’s approval if we have the people’s.”

Cassandra made a disgruntled noise. Varric laughed, “It’s okay, Seeker. The Maker will forgive you for starting a war with the Chantry.”

Elyse giggled at that to which Varric said, “Look she does smile, Chuckles!”

Solas rolled his eyes while Elyse scowled and said, “You’re hilarious, Short Pants.” She turned to Cassandra and through a yawn said, “I am sure that whatever happens tomorrow will be just as the Maker intended. I’m going to sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be a long one.”

Everyone followed suit and Elyse was grateful that they had their own tents. She was sure that if she had to share with Cassandra she would never hear the end of battle planning and strategy. She sat down on her cot and started going through her saddlebag looking for her nightshirt. Once she found it, she changed into it and started to separate the somewhat dirty underthings from the really dirty underthings. When she opened the other side to shove her dirty clothes in, she saw a folded up piece of paper. She pulled it out, opened it up and froze. It read:

_Elyse-_

_Are we still even on a first name basis?_

_I do not know what changed in the short amount of time that transpired, but I hope I did not do anything to offend you. Everything that afternoon happened so quickly. I had a bit too much wine, but that is not an excuse. Really, I had been looking for a way to get closer to you._

_Do you remember when I said that I noticed you that first day? Well, I had. I noticed that you were so beautiful but, your eyes were so despondent. I was in the training yard and you looked at me, or through me, but I saw you. Something in me snapped and I knew I wanted to change that look in your eyes. Then during that afternoon, I saw that you were wary, rightly so, you do not know me. But, though I still saw that look, I also saw your eyes flash with happiness and I had put it there._

_You had asked me why I was being nice to you. I simply told you that I liked you. And I do. Very much. If nothing else, let me be your friend. I need one just as I am sure that you need one too. I will be here for you whenever you need._

_Be well and be safe._

_Cullen_

When she finished the letter the tears were streaming down her face. She had been so cold to him and now he was blaming himself. That wasn’t her intention. She was nothing, she figured that he would be angry, but he wouldn’t dwell on it. He was so handsome, he could have anyone. She still didn’t understand what he wanted with her. One thing was for certain, she knew who the saddlebags were from.

_Fuck_ , she thought. _I didn’t pack any paper_.

She didn’t even know what she would write him. Unless she found paper somewhere, it would have to wait until she got back to Haven.  She figured that it would give him time to cool off. “He’ll probably have time to move on by the time we get back to Haven,” she whispered to herself. That was probably for the best. She didn’t need to become a burden.

It didn’t take long with the Mothers. As predicted, they wanted nothing to do with the Inquisition. Then the Lord Seeker came through and preened his feathers and removed all the Templars from Val Royeaux. It was enough to cause chaos in the city, and for the people to blame the Inquisition. They had managed to recruit a merchant though. A woman named Bella, and Elyse thought that it would be nice for the townspeople to have someone to trade with other than cranky Seggritt. Elyse did notice that THE Templar wasn’t amongst the group with the Lord Seeker.  

After the posturing, the group split up to gather supplies and stock for the journey back to Haven. She went off on her own to find the apothecary and purchase paper and a writing utensil. Even if she wasn’t able to send the letter, she wanted to write Cullen. She stopped at the shop apothecary, but she wasn't sure if she should buy the abortive potion or just brew it. She had harvested most of the herbs, but she needed one rare ingredient, witherstalk, and she didn’t know where to find it in this part of Thedas. Either way, the shopkeeper would recognize her and know what she was buying.

She kept thinking about this baby. She didn’t even know what she was doing thinking about abortive potions. She knew the risks, she had helped her mother brew it more than she could count. She saw women become very ill and even die after ingesting the potion. She was 30 years old, not some simpering teenager. Sure, she was pregnant, but she could still accomplish her mission and help the Inquisition close the breach. After they figure out how to approach the mages, they should have enough power to get it done and then she would be free to leave and live her life. The baby would make it a lot less lonely and give her purpose. Elyse had made her decision. She walked away from the apothecary and toward the bookseller.

At the bookseller, she looked around for the stationary section. The clerk came up to her and gruffly asked, “Yes?”

“Do you sell paper or something I can write letters on?”

“Over there, don’t take too long. I don’t want your kind lingering in my shop,” he said gruffly.

“Elves?”

“No, Inquisition,” he said.

“You know what,” she said angrily. “I’ll just take my business elsewhere. Can you point me in the direction of the alienage?”

“Why do you want to go there?”

“They’ll be happy for my coin,” she said. “Oh, in the future, I’ll make sure that the Inquisition and ALL its forces does no business with you. I am after all, the Herald of Andraste, they listen to me. And, we use a lot of paper.”

He looked her with wide eyes. She heard him trying to stop her but she continued walking. The general shop inside the alienage was much more accommodating and she was able to pick up paper, a quill pen and ink, a few small hand bound journals, along with more clean underthings, trousers in a bigger size, and a finely made undershirt that could double as a nightgown.  

All in all, they spent most of the afternoon in Val Royeaux. As they were leaving the city, they were stopped by an elf named Fiona, who was the leader of the mage rebellion. She invited the Inquisition to Redcliffe Village to discuss how the mages could help close the Breach. They agreed that they would be there as soon as they could. They also picked up a strange Elven archer named Sera, and a circle mage name Vivienne that they sent ahead to Haven.

Instead of heading back to Haven right away, Cassandra decided that it would be for the best if they pressed on to Redcliffe Village to see what the mages had to say. She had said that they would take what the mages say back to the war room to strategize with the others. Along the way they helped out wherever they camped. Elyse closed so many rifts that she lost count.

It took just over sixteen days to reach Redcliffe Village. When they got there they were stonewalled by a Tevinter Magister by the name of Gereon Alexius, who had somehow managed to indenture the mages out from under the Inquisition. Lo and behold, it was an altus, who was also the former apprentice of the Magister, by the name of Dorian Pavus that informed them that Alexius was bending time to get to Elyse.

They were going to have to discuss how to get the mages back. Luckily the Inquisition was invited back to Redcliffe Village to meet with the Magister again in a month, so the group had time to get back to Haven and strategize.

It took a week to get back to Haven. They arrived back just after nightfall, and Elyse went straight to her cabin to sleep.

 


	4. Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revelations happen... Elyse and Cullen come to an agreement. 
> 
> Chapter is short. Sorry, not sorry. I was getting hung up on word count, but decided that it didn't matter. Next chapter is beefy though. 
> 
> Thanks Gabthina. You're the best.

The next day Elyse woke up and made it to the war room just as Cassandra was arriving. “Good morning, Herald.”

“Seeker,” she responded as she stepped into the room after the woman. She noticed that everyone else was there and she whispered greetings. Her eyes lingered on the Commander and when their eyes locked, he smiled softly at her. She wanted to smile back, but she didn’t want to encourage his attentions, so she steeled her features to hide her feelings, and simply nodded back in response.

Leliana began the meeting by bringing Elyse and Cassandra up to speed as to what had been happening while they were away. As Leliana droned on about the Chargers and their leader The Iron Bull, the latest mercenary company to join the Inquisition, Elyse let her mind wander. She began to think about how she was grateful that she didn’t wear her leathers, they had gotten snug, and she would have been uncomfortable. She was going to have to talk to Harritt about designing armor that could grow with her. Maybe they could get creative with lacing. She began to think through schematics when someone burst through the door. It was Dorian.

“If you are going after Alexiuss, then I want to be there,” he said to Elyse.

“Thank you for coming, Dorian. With your knowledge, you will be valuable when we go after the Magister,” Elyse said with a smile. She liked the flamboyant mage. Dorian was friendly and from what she could tell, he genuinely wanted to help.

He smiled back and entered the room to help strategize. Elyse liked his energy, and he was smart as a whip. He gave insight into things that the others wouldn’t have even thought about. The Commander was strangely quiet. Everytime she looked over at him, he was standing there with a scowl on his face. Elyse didn’t understand what was going on.

Late in the afternoon, the group broke up for the evening. They had spent all day working strategy and even had meals and snacks delivered to the room rather than breaking. Dorian turned to Elyse, “That as quite stimulating, Dear.”

“Thank you for joining us, Dorian. We are more ready to face Alexius because of you.”

“Now I just need to find a place to stay. Any suggestions, my lovely Elf? Maybe I could bunk with you,” Dorian said with a saucy wink.

“My cabin is pretty cramped right now, but I think there may be one close by me free. Go check with Threnn. She would know.”

“I will do that, thank you,” he smiled and bowed. “Until later my lady. Perhaps at the tavern?”

Elyse giggled and waved him away. She noticed that all the other women had left already. The Commander was all that remained in the room.

She went to gather the notes she took and duck out of the room when she was stopped.

“I hope he makes you happy,” she heard the Commander whisper.

She turned toward him. “What?” she asked genuinely confused.

“Dorian,” she said raising his voice. “You seemed cozy with him.”

“I hardly know him. I talked with him only a few minutes before I had to help him close a freaky time warp rift.”

“That is not what it looks like.”

“Commander--”

“My name is Cullen, Elyse. Cullen! You have been gone a month. I thought I would at least get a reply to my letter. I got nothing, which I guess is louder than your words before you left. Why did not not write to me?”

“Cullen, I don’t-- I can’t,” she said looking at the door.

He moved to stand in front of the door, blocking the exit. She sat down in a chair along the wall and looked out the window in defeat. “I don’t know how to say it.”

“Start from the beginning,” he said as he sat next to her, grabbed her hand, and began to trace circles on the back with his thumb.  

She looked down at their joined hands and whispered, “I have never spoke of it.”

“It is okay. You are as safe as I can make you here. You shouldn’t hold it in. Let me share the burden,” he pleaded.

She looked him in the eyes and the pleading look he gave her broke her resolve. “Okay. Don’t interrupt. I’m just going to spit it out,” she said as she took a deep breath. “The last time I was in Kirkwall, I was trading for some lyrium for potions that my mother uses for healing. While there, I was attacked. I am pretty sure it was a Templar. Who else would attack me for lyrium?”

“No one,” Cullen responded. “Elyse-”

“I am not finished. He didn’t just rob me. I was getting up and trying to get an arrow knocked on my bow when he came after me again and... and… I can’t say it. You can infer though. I’m pregnant, Cullen. By my estimation, I am around 13 or 14 weeks. But, it is not your place to-- I am not your responsibility-- I can understand---” she couldn’t get a sentence out through her tears.

Cullen gathered her in his arms and she cried on his shoulder, soaking his pauldron. He let her cry rubbing circles on her back. When she started to calm down, he looked at her. “It will be okay, Elyse. We will figure this out.”

“I am sure you have questions,” she simply stated as she wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “I’m sorry. I made a mess of your cloak.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he replied. “Is that why you pushed me away?”

She nodded and told him everything-- Solas’ theory included. He nodded along and asked what he looked like. “I may know who he was, Elyse. I could help.”

“Brown hair, brown eyes… strung out on lyrium.”

“That is pretty generic,” he said.

“Well he was pretty generic looking. He wasn’t at the Conclave, or Val Royeaux, or Redcliffe, or anywhere in between.”

“That is why you were at the Conclave,” he realized.

“Yes. After the incident, I went back to my clan empty handed. My mother was not pleased that I hadn’t procured the lyrium she needed for her potions. She kept harping on and on about it, and I couldn’t handle it. So, I just turned around, packed some things and left. Then I just continued walking. I went back to Kirkwall, but I could find him. Then I caught wind of the Conclave. I figured that was as good a place as any to look for a Templar. I was just so angry, and confused. He already had the lyrium, why did he come back? Why did he do it? After I find him, I am going to get him to tell me why by any means necessary. Then I am going to kill him,” Elyse said with conviction.

“I swear you will get your answers, Elyse,” Cullen responded and he brought her hand to his lips, sealing his promise with a kiss. “Where does this leave us?”

“I don’t know, Commander.”

“Sweet Andraste! If you call me Commander again,” he said in frustration breaking the tension in the air.

She outright laughed at his outburst. “I can think of ways that wouldn’t upset you when I called you Commander.”

“Elyse,” he said in warning. “Quit changing the subject.”

“Neither I or the baby are your responsibility, Cullen. I know after that afternoon, I gave you cause to hope, but I did not know about the baby then. As of now, I believe we are colleagues.”

“To be honest, I was hoping for more, Elyse.”

She laughed, “I am a thirty year old pregnant Dalish elf. What kind of ‘more’ are you looking for?”

“I was thinking maybe friendship to start,” he said looking at her intently.

“How about we get to know each other before we decide on anything more,” she said.

“That is what friendship is,” Cullen said with a grin.

“But-,” she began but Cullen pressed his lips to hers to quiet her argument. She couldn’t help herself and leaned into the kiss.  His lips were soft but firm, and she heard herself moan in the back of her throat at the contact. When he kissed her, the world just melted away. She felt safe and protected, but also beautiful. It was frightening for Elyse to think about, so she pushed those thoughts aside and threw herself into the kiss. _And man_ , she thought, _the man could kiss_.

Elyse unconsciously pushed herself closer to Cullen as her body started to respond to him.

“Lets just see where it goes,” he panted as he broke away and gazed into her eyes. “But, if that kiss was anything to go by, then it is going to go very well.”

Elyse laughed which turned into a yawn. She covered her mouth with her hand and tried to stifle another yawn. She said, “I’m sorry, Cullen. It has been a trying day.”

“I will walk you to your cabin,” he said as he helped her up. “I will bring you a snack later.”

Elyse groaned. She believed she had just acquired a mother hen.


	5. Scone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tree is climbed. A connection is forged.

The war council spent the better part of the next week strategizing their move against Alexius to reclaim the mages. Cullen was against sending Elyse as bait and said so quite emphatically every time it came up. She was sure that the rest of the council suspected something was up between them even though Elyse wasn’t real sure what was going on. She and Cullen never had time to talk about it. If they weren’t in the War Room, than Cullen was running drills or going over correspondence and Elyse was working with Solas and Dorian on the time magic and rifts. It was usually late when she made it back to her cabin, and she barely had time to get out of her clothes and get into bed before she was sound asleep. Every morning though, when she woke, there was always something waiting for her on her doorstep. One morning it was a pretty flower, that she put in her hair. Another it was a bunch of elfroot that she used to brew rejuvination potions. Her favorite, though, was an orange cranberry scone. He never left a note, but she knew they were from Cullen. He gave himself away when she walked into the War Room eating the scone. His smile was bright and infectious. She, usually so stoic, grinned back in return.

Leliana cleared her throat and winked at Elyse. Yes, the others were definitely beginning to notice.

The council convened earlier than normal. Everyone left the war room after it was decided that they were going to depart for Redcliffe Village the next morning. She glanced at Cullen and he winked at her but before any other exchange could happen, Leliana grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the door. Elyse shrugged at Cullen as she was pulled away. She could hear his laughter following her.

“Elyse, my dear, what is going on between you and our Commander?”

Elyse giggled and said, “You’re the spymaster. You figure it out. Then maybe tell me, because I have no clue.”

“He looks at you as though you are the port in a storm. Tell me, has he been giving you gifts?”

“Not official gifts, just little things on my doorstep.”

“What are these things?”

“He left a flower, some elfroot, a scone.”

“Our dear Commander is just so Ferelden,” Leliana laughed. “What did you do with these gifts?”

“What do you mean?” Elyse asked obviously confused. “I wore the flower in my hair all day. I turned the elfroot into potions, I was meaning to share them with him. I showed up to the meeting this morning eating the scone. It was delicious.”

Leliana laughed heartily. “You have no idea, do you?”

“What are you on about?” Elyse said with a frown. “I thought he was being friendly.”

“He is being very friendly. In fact, he has asked to court you. Him seeing you eat the scone was acceptance on your part. Before that, the flower symbolized his attraction to you and you wearing it told him that you were also attracted. The elfroot was clever, I had never seen anyone use herbs to symbolize protection, but it makes sense, no?  The scone, was to symbolize that he could provide for you. There will probably be more gifts. Cullen is being very thorough.”

Elyse didn’t know what to make of this. The last that she and Cullen had spoken they were just going to see where things go. She was attracted to him, but she still felt that Cullen did not know what he was getting himself into with her. She needed to speak to him, preferably before she left for Redcliffe Village in the morning.

“If you will excuse me, Leliana, I think I need to speak with our dear Commander.”

Leliana smiled and said, “Elyse, Cullen knows what he is doing. I have known him for a long time and he has been through a lot. Do not break his heart. He may not recover.”

Elyse nodded. “But I am not Ferelden. I don’t know the traditions. He should not have initiated this without my knowledge.”

“It does not have to be a bad thing,” Leliana said. “Come and find me if you need to talk.”

Elyse nodded and walked toward the training yard. When she got there, she spotted Cullen almost immediately. He was in the center of several men sparring and barking orders. “That’s a shield in your hand, use it!” she heard him shout.

Elyse laughed to herself and decided to watch him some more. She skirted around the training camp and found a tree where she could watch undetected and climbed it.

Whenever she had a free moment, she had taken to writing to Cullen in one of the small journals that she bought at the alienage in Val Royeaux. Things she could never say to him. Things she didn’t know how to say. It was usually was about her fears. How she didn’t want to be the Herald. She just wanted to be Elyse. She didn’t want the weight of all of Thedas on her shoulders. However, lately she had been writing to him more about her fears of impending motherhood. He and Solas were the only people who knew, and it was comforting to write about it. She would probably never give it to him, but she wrote to him nevertheless.

She needed to get her thoughts about this courtship out, so when she talked to Cullen she didn’t become confused. he pulled out her journal and a pen and began:

_C- I don’t know what you think you are doing? Don’t you see that I am no good for you. You deserve so much more and a pregnant woman who is not even carrying your child. What do you even see in me?_

_Also, how could you do this? Last we talked, we decided to see where things went? Is this your way of forcing my hand?_

_I am just confused, frustrated, and angry. But, deep down, I am excited and happy. I don’t know if I should feel that way, but it is there._

_I am watching you train your men right now. You are so confident. I have noticed no less than three women walk by with stars in their eyes as they look at you. You can have any of them. Why me?_

She stopped writing when she heard a loud whistle and looked up. He had noticed her in the tree. He winked at her but then gave her a very stern look. Somehow, she knew she was in for something. Elyse scurried down the tree and walked into the forest toward the lake, knowing he couldn’t follow without everyone noticing. It was probably best if she let him cool down. She would find him later to talk this whole courtship out.

She walked through the forest for a while to clear her mind and ended up back at her cabin. She figured she should pack for her journey anyway. So, she grabbed her saddlebags and began to fill them with clean clothing and her usual assortment of supplies. It didn’t take long, she always packed light. Once she was finished, she sat on her cot and took a nap.

It was dark when she bolted up in bed. She was shivering, not having started a fire in her hearth. It wasn’t too late though, she could hear the patrons in the Tavern having fun and making a bunch of noise. So, she got up and pulled on her jacket. She needed to get out of her cabin and it sounded like it was the right time for her not to be disturbed by other people.

She opened her door and on the step there was a waterskin, dyed green and her name embossed on the hide. She picked it up and walked toward the training yard.

When she got there, she froze. She had no idea which tent was Cullen’s. She had never visited it. She walked through the training yard and heard muffled grunting coming from the tent on the edge of the forest. She had wondered before why it was set so far away from the others, but now the answer seemed clear. This person was a loud sleeper. She walked toward it, when she heard the grunting again. Whoever was inside was obviously in distress. There was nobody around when she looked, so she walked to the flap and peeked her head in. She saw Cullen laying in his cot in only his breeches thrashing about, obviously having a nightmare.

All thoughts left Elyse when she saw him in such distress. She walked over to the edge of his cot and began running her hand from temple to chin soothingly. She whispered, “Shhh. Cullen, it is okay. You’re safe,” over and over.

Cullen began to calm and not wanting to disturb him further, Elyse turned and started to walk out of the tent.

Cullen coughed, “Elyse?”

“Its me. You were having a nightmare. Go back to sleep,” she replied.

Cullen sat up in his cot and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “Come here,” he whispered. “I am awake now.”

She walked over and stood before his cot. She smiled softly when she saw his hair mussed from sleep, but steeled herself. They had things to talk through and she couldn’t go all moony. “I do have some things I would like to discuss with you, Cullen.”

“And I with you, Elyse. What is the meaning of you climbing trees? What if you fell out?” he asked through a yawn.

“I have been climbing trees for as long as I can remember. What is with the courtship gifts?” Elyse retorted her voice rising.

“I was making my intentions known,” he said as his voice began to rise as well. “You accepted!”

“I didn’t know what I was doing. I know nothing of Ferelden courtships-- a fact of which should be obvious!” she yelled. “Hello! Dalish Elf here! I had to learn that we were courting from Leliana!”

“I bloody well know what you are!” he yelled back. He stood in his tent and faced her. “Do you want to take it back?”

“I didn’t say that,” Elyse said as she got control of her emotions.

He walked toward her and reached for her. She collapsed into his arms. “Cullen, I-” she started.

He bent his head down and kissed her hard, interrupting her. “Elyse, just think about it.”

“What are your intentions? Why me?” she asked. “I am bloody pregnant! With someone else’s child.”

“That doesn’t matter,” he began. “Do you want to know what I see when I look at you? I look at you and all the turmoil I feel dissipates. I just feel calm. I see a beautiful woman whose body is just beginning to swell with child. I have been spending most of my time thinking about this, Elyse. It doesn’t matter how this child came to be, I just know that this child that is going to be loved and protected, by you for sure. Hopefully by me as well. You don’t have to do this alone.”

“But why?” she asked, still very confused.

“Did you know I left my childhood home at thirteen years of age for the Templars?” he asked her.

She narrowed her eyes in confusion. She didn’t understand what that had anything to do with what they were talking about. “No, but that is awfully young.”

“Indeed. I am a thirty-three year old man, and I am relatively alone in this world. I have gained some perspective, especially since you jumped out of the fade and into my life. Up until recently, my life had been focused on my career-- the order, the Inquisition. I have spent the majority of my life- hell, my whole adult life- fighting. First the blight, then the Mage/Templar war in Kirkwall, now this hole in the sky. It is a very lonely existence and not all I want to be. I want family, I want love, I want someone I can share everything with. I want someone to come home to. I want you to come home to me. I want to be a father. I want people in my life to fight for instead of the ambiguous ‘mankind’. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a perfect man. I have a lot of atoning to do still, but I have received some clarity along with some unsolicited advice from a certain nightingale and I believe I deserve some happiness--” he said emphatically.

Cullen opened his mouth to continue, but Elyse interrupted by saying, “What did Leliana say to you?”

“Only that I am not the man I was- which is a story for a different time. She also said that happiness can bloom from desolation and that if I wanted something that I should just go for it. Did you know I knew her during the blight? She actually rescued me from the abominations in the tower. I was, distrustful of mages for quite some time after that. I am still working on that issue. I can see you becoming distrustful of Templars because of your ordeal. I want to help you through that, and realize that not all Templars are lyrium driven psychopaths. I wish someone had slapped me in the face with a similar lesson about Mages. It would have saved me from over ten years of regret. You have asked me several times why I have set my sights upon you, Ellie. I can only say that it feels right. Like it was meant to be. I want you and this baby so much that it hurts, and I am willing to fight for it,” he responded as he brushed his thumbs across her cheeks to wipe away the tears that had formed during his speech. “Do you not feel it? Or are you still fighting it?”

There was so much that could go wrong- she could die, he could die, they could simply not work together. However, there was also so much that could go right. Why was she still fighting it? The baby could only benefit by having Cullen as its father. If things did not work out between them, she was sure that Cullen would never abandon the child and she knew that he would protect it with his last breath. She looked up into his eyes and saw the anguish. She didn’t have the words to declare herself to him. Not yet anyway. She did know that she needed to answer him. He had laid everything out there for her. That broke her resolve and she heard herself whisper, “Lets try.”  If it didn’t work, at least they had given it a shot.

Cullen smiled and kissed her hard. When he pulled away he began muttering. Elyse caught him mumble 'write her mother', and 'Mia', but she needed a bit of clarification so she asked, “Cullen, what are you talking about?”

“Well, I am going to have to write to your mother to inform her of my intentions. What about your father, do you know where I can reach him? I am also going to have to write to my sister, Mia--”

“Cullen slow down. There will be plenty of time for formalities. We will not be married for some time. If at all. We have to see if we suit first.”

He looked at her and grinned. “Oh we suit just fine, especially if you remember out by the lake…”

Elyse blushed and sat down on his cot. She would think that being the commander of the Inquisition would warrant him a bed. He sat next to her and said, “You have made me ridiculously happy, Ellie.”

She giggled which turned into a yawn, “Yes. I am also happy. Do you not remember that I leave for Redcliffe early in the morning?”

“Yes. You know I will worry until you have returned safely,” he said as he sat next to her and grabbed her hand.

“I will write, if you will,” Elyse said quietly. “I may not be able to send the letters, but I will write.”

“I am sure that our friend will be more than willing to share her ravens. She is very fond of you, you know.”

“I like her as well. Then, that is settled. We write,” she said with a smile. “I am glad that Cassandra is staying here for this. She would surely intercept all the correspondence and stumble across our private letters and decide to read them for ‘the sake of the Inquisition’.”

Cullen chuckled at that. “Do you not want to tell people then?”

“Maybe when I get back, but for now, can we keep this between us and Leliana of course?”

“Absolutely,” he responded and leaned in to kiss her.

She responded enthusiastically and soon he was pushing her back into the mattress of his cot. But, as much as she wanted to be kissing this man, she could feel the day catching up to her and broke the kiss with a large yawn. “I am so sorry, Cullen, I am exhausted.”

He just smiled down at her and moved so that he was laying beside her. He curled his body around her and whispered, “I do not doubt it. Growing a person is hard work. Sleep, my Ellie. I will make sure you awaken in time to get your things.”

She hummed and soon was asleep. Cullen followed her into dreamland not long after.  

 


	6. Perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyse and Cullen are on the same page. Elyse leaves to reclaim the Mages from the Magister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG This is a loooooong time coming. I am sorry, but things should be back on track now. Thanks for sticking with me!
> 
> Thanks Gabs, for cracking your whip!

Cullen did, indeed, wake Elyse with plenty of time to spare. She moaned as the stubble on his chin scraped along the back of her neck. “Ellie, dear, it is that unfortunate time for us get up.” 

“Most unfortunate,” she whispered and wiggled closer. 

Cullen turned her so she was facing him, looked in her eyes and pressed his lips to hers. “How did you sleep?” he asked through a yawn. 

“Very well. Cullen,” Elyse started. “I can’t remember when I’ve slept so well. How about you?”

“Hmm,” he moaned not needing more of an answer and snuggling in closer.  

“Cullen, everything is happening so fast. This time away may be for the best. To gain perspective.”

“Do you still doubt me?” Cullen asked quietly. He pulled away, sat up and looked over his shoulder at her, “Maker, Elyse, we went through this last night,” his tone hurt.  

“I guess, I just don’t understand,” she said as she sat next to him and grasped his bicep. “Things are in such turmoil in the world, inside me. You are so... so good. I don’t know what to think. To hope. You make things brighter for me.”

“Ellie, last night I told you that I am all in and why,” he said as he covered her hand with his and squeezed.

“I know,” she responded. She smiled as she thought about the conversation they had last night. He had said such wonderful things and she was beginning to feel guilty second guessing his motives at every turn. She was wary by nature, but she really needed to learn how to open up more. Especially if she was really going to give things with Cullen a try. He was an honorable man and she needed to learn how to believe the things he said to her.

She turned and looked at Cullen. She smiled as she saw how disheveled he was first thing in the morning. His hair was curlier than she realized and the color of spun gold. She noticed his eyes were the color of warm amber. They were safe and kind, but had a hint of something that showed that his life up until then had not been easy.  Examining her own feelings in this moment, apart from the Breach and the fucked up events of the past few months clouding her judgment of the situation with Cullen, she was happy, safe, and content. It was something she could get used to.

“Good,” he said.

She smiled as she leaned in to kiss him. He was startled by the kiss, but caught up quickly. His hands moved to her waist and pulled her in closer. Without disconnecting their lips, he pushed her back into the cot. She moaned as one of his hands travelled up her side and stopped just under her breast. He kneaded her hip with his other hand causing her to rise and push them even closer together. Her legs wrapped around Cullen’s narrow waist and his mouth moved from her lips down her neck.

Elyse moaned loudly as he attacked the base of her throat with his teeth. “Cullen,” she whispered breathily as his hand found its way up the thin cotton shirt she wore. They both were just wearing thin underwear from the waist down, so she could feel all of him, ready and at attention. He pushed the shirt up and she shifted so he could remove it easier. Once it was off, he wasted no time in taking one of her dusky nipples into his mouth. Being pregnant had made her tits extremely sensitive and her back arched off the mattress. “Maker, don’t stop,” she murmured over and over as her hands went to his head to keep him there. His other hand moved to her other breast and squeezed. Cullen’s mouth moved from her nipple and she whimpered at the loss. He chuckled as his tongue licked the valley between her ample breast and nipped at her other nipple.

His hand moved from her breast and over the slight bump that was the baby growing within her. He stopped there for a split second and rubbed before travelling further. He looked up into her eyes. “May I,” he whispered as his fingers brushed along the top of her smalls.

“Oh Gods, yes!” she responded quite emphatically. He chuckled at her enthusiasm as his hand moved lower under her underwear and she gasped as he made contact with her clit. He maintained eye contact while he rubbed along her slit.

“You are so, so beautiful, Ellie,” he said and she felt the moisture pool between her legs. She ground against his hand as he continued to move his fingers against her. She opened her mouth but nothing came out when she felt the pleasurable knot in her belly unfurl as her orgasm hit her.

Cullen removed his hand and brought his fingers to his lip and sucked. “Maker, you are delectable,” he whispered huskily as he moved back up her body, pressed himself against her and kissed her hard.

They were so lost in the moment that they didn’t notice the tent flap briefly drift open.

“Commander, Elyse, you had better put yourselves together. Half of Haven is looking for you, Elyse. You were supposed to be at the gates half an hour ago,” they heard Leliana say from outside of the tent.

“Shit,” Cullen whispered through a nervous laugh.

Elyse nodded, pushed him off of her and grabbed her shirt from off the ground. “Yeah. I’m sorry to leave you like that,” she said as she waved at his obvious arousal.  “But, I had better get going. I still have to go to my cabin and grab my bag.”

“I’m fine,” he said and rubbed his neck nervously.

Leliana popped her head in at that moment. “Everything okay then?”

“Yes,” was all Cullen supplied for an answer as Elyse said, “Go away!” at the same time.

“Good! I’ll go tell everyone that you’ve been found. Do not worry so, the Bull is also late,” Leliana said with a grin, her tone annoyingly chipper. “Elyse we will talk soon!”

Elyse waved her away and turned toward Cullen. He was off the cot and in front of her before she could blink. He pulled her into his arms, “Ellie...” he started.

She returned the hug and nodded in answer, not trusting her own words.

With one last squeeze, Cullen pulled away and said, “I will see you off at the gate. You go get your bags.” He leaned in and kissed her cheek.

Elyse looked back as she opened the tent flap just in time to see Cullen bend over to pick up his discarded trousers.  Her cheeks pinkened and she decided that that was a very pleasant view to remember over the next three weeks while she was away.

She hurried to her cabin buttoning her tunic along the way and twisting her hair into a bun. She swore under her breath when she remembered she didn’t have anything to secure it. Rather than hold it as she rushed through Haven, she dropped her hair and let it hang in messy waves. When she arrived, she entered quickly and picked up her saddlebags. Thankfully she had already packed and all she needed was to find another hairpin. She knew she had a few packed in the bottom of her bag, but she really didn't want to go digging through there and disrupting her packing. She was horribly late though and didn’t want to keep her companions waiting much longer. She looked in all her usual places and came up empty handed. “Shit,” she said to her empty cabin.

“I’m sorry.”

Elyse jumped out of her skin at the second voice in her doorway. She turned and took a deep breath. “Solas, hello. You startled me.”

“I am sorry. I came to see if you really wanted me to stay behind. I would be more than happy to accompany you.”

“Solas, thank you for the offer, but I will have to decline. You know that. You are needed here to research how we are going to close the Breach after we get the mages back. I have Dorian coming because he knows the strange magic Alexius is using. The Bull and Blackwall are coming with me too. You don’t need to fret, I have as much protection as I can possibly ask for.”

“If you are sure,” Solas began.

“Solas, I appreciate your concern and if you feel like you need an update on my wellbeing, you can speak with Cullen. He will be glad to tell you that all is well. As of now though, I am on the warpath for a hairpin,” Elyse said looking around her cabin. She looked back at Solas, laughed a little, and asked, “You wouldn’t have one I could borrow?”

Solas chuckled at her question. “No, but I might have a solution to your dilemma. I will return momentarily.”

She continued to look but came up empty when she heard Solas enter a few minutes later. “I assume you know how to braid.”

“Yes, Solas, thank you,” she said. She hastily whipped her hair into a tidy braid and he held up the length of leather that he came back with. She smiled and thanked him as she wrapped the leather around the end of her braid several times and secured it with a messy bow. She picked up her bag and moved to leave her cabin. She looked at Solas who was standing rigidly next to the door. There was something familiar about him that she just couldn’t place, and maybe that is why she felt to comfortable in his company. She made a mental note to make sure to send Solas updates on her journey. When she moved toward the door, he turned and opened it for her.

Solas walked her to the gate in comfortable silence. They had already discussed what he wanted and got a sufficient answer, so words were not necessary between them. She knew he wouldn’t press it and he just wanted to see them all off. She patted him on the shoulder in farewell as she moved over to Butterfly to securely affix her saddlebags.

Cullen was already there gently rubbing her mare’s thick neck. “I didn’t know that you still needed to pack. I wouldn’t have lost track of time so easily this morning,” he whispered to her as she started to tie her bags on. He moved take them from her. “Here, allow me.”

She smiled and whispered her thanks.

Cullen blushed and nodded. “Your hair is lovely,” he said so only she could hear. He held out a hand to help her into her saddle.

The Iron Bull rode over on a beast that was almost twice the size of Butterfly and said boisterously, “Don’t worry, Commander, she will make it back to you in one piece. Maybe two. But, no matter. She’ll be alive.”

Elyse whipped her head and looked at the giant horned man in disbelief. How did he know about them. They had been good to keep it quiet. Were they really being so transparent? Things were hashed out only last night.

The Bull laughed loudly. “Discretion is not your strong suit, Boss. I saw you leaving his tent still buttoning your shirt. Just wanted to say that the Commander is a lucky man, and it is refreshing to see that you don’t wear a breastband.”

Cullen grinned at the Iron Bull and said, “Indeed I am,” not denying anything.

Elyse shocked all of them though when she grasped Cullen’s hand and said, “Be safe, and don’t work too hard. And write.”

He nodded in response and squeezed her hand.

She looked over at the Bull and said, “I can’t breathe when I wear a breastband, so I tend not to. I sometimes try to get creative with boning when I need something structured, but mainly in my leathers it doesn’t matter. I do wear an undershirt as to not sweat so badly. Thank you for being so curious about my wardrobe.”

“Well that’s a shame. I have a thing for redheads and now you’re off the market,” the Iron Bull said with a chuckle.

“There’s always Leliana,” Cullen chuckled and squeezed her hand. “Be safe, Ellie.”

“She’s scary,” was all the Iron Bull said as he moved his beast closer to Blackwall.

They heard Blackwall kick his horse into gear and move out of the gate. The Iron Bull was next to follow. After a quick squeeze to Cullen’s hand that she hoped portrayed everything she couldn’t say she kicked her horse started. Dorian fell into step beside Elyse.

Dorian winked at her and she just smiled.  “You simply must tell me everything!” he said excitedly.

She turned in her saddle to look behind her and saw that Cullen was still at the gate watching her. She felt as though she was leaving a piece of herself behind, and felt a tear slide down her cheek.  She waved and he lifted his hand in response. “Not now, Dorian. Maybe later when we camp for the night.”

“I will hold you to that,” he said and noticing that she needed a few minutes to compose herself, he clicked his tongue and his horse sped up, leaving her alone to her thoughts.

A few miles out of Haven the party stopped to stretch their legs. Elyse walked away from the others to give the men privacy to do their businesses. She put her hand in her pocket and pulled out a slip of paper that simply read, _‘You are everything.’_

“Let’s go!” she heard Blackwall yell and she moved back to Butterfly.

She smiled softly thinking of the note as she mounted her horse again. They rode hard and it was nightfall when they arrived to the camp just outside of the Crossroads. She untied her saddlebags and went into the closest empty tent after a brief goodnight to her companions and the other forces using the camp at the time. Dorian tried to join her, but she told him to find somewhere else. She needed to be alone.

She didn’t realize that she would miss Cullen so much. She missed his warmth and strength, and his awkward shy smiles. She was already attached which shocked her. Maybe she was being overemotional, pregnancy hormones and all, but she couldn’t stop the tears from coming when that thought occurred to her. She decided that then was as good a time as any to write a quick note to Cullen.

_Cullen-_

_We have arrived at our first camp near the Crossroads. The journey thus far has been uneventful. Right now, I find myself unable to sleep, even though I am exhausted from the ride. I know that I haven’t been away for long, but I just wanted to tell you that I miss you already and you will never be far from my thoughts._

_And, I wanted to warn you that I lost a hairpin somewhere in your tent. Keep an eye out, they are painful if stepped on._

_Also, if you have a thing for throwing my hairpins, you need to keep me supplied in them._

_I am off to go try to find sleep. I have a feeling that I am going to be busy. Stay safe._

_Your-_

_Elyse_

She sealed the letter and exited her tent. After asking someone where she could post it and being directed to a raven on the fence, she sent it off toward Haven. She watch as the bird disappeared into the darkness. She went back to her tent, rid herself of her leathers, and laid down. It didn’t take long for sleep to claim her.

The next couple of days passed in a blur of sealed rifts and dead bandits. A few days after they arrived at the Crossroads, they were preparing to break camp and move towards Redcliffe Village where she would meet up with Leliana and her agents to play her part in the rouse. She woke and went to the fire to find something to eat. However, when she got there, a runner was waiting with a letter.

“Wait for a reply?” she asked.

“Yes Herald,” she answered.

Elyse went into her tent and tore open the seal. It read:

_Ellie-_

_I hope this finds you and the pollywog safe and well. Did you find my note? If not, look in your pocket._

_If you need me to reiterate my stance on our relationship, I will. But, Elyse, just remember what I said. I hope you see the truth in it. However, you never told me what I am to you? Am I simply a means to an end? Could you be happy with me? These are all things I should ask you in person, but it seems that I make you nervous. Also, I cannot seem to keep my hands off you long enough to find out._

_Sweetheart, be safe, please. I worry while you are away. I find myself just going through the motions. It is everything I have done before I met you, but I just feel so empty. Hollow. I am counting the days until you return and bring light back into my life._

_By the way, I have talked to Harritt about new armor for you. Something that will grow with you and keep you and the pollywog safe and comfortable. I hope you do not mind._

_Just so you know, I have requisitioned many more hairpins for you. I like watching your hair spill down your back, running my fingers through the silky tresses, and burying my nose in your hair as you sleep. I anticipate you losing many, many more. But, you should have seen the smug look on Josephine’s face when I asked her to send for some. Like she won a bet. Our secret is definitely out, Love._

_What have you been up to? I read the field reports, but I want to know from you._

_If you need anything, I will make it happen. Just ask._

_Your-_

_Cullen_

She smiled as she dug out a piece of paper, quill and ink. However,  as soon as she put pen to paper, Bull opened her tent flap.

“Your horse is saddled. You ready to go, Boss?”

She stored Cullen’s letter in her saddlebag and handed it to the large man. “Please affix these on my saddle and give me a few minutes to respond to this letter. It won’t take long.”

“Sure thing. Send my love to the Commander!” he laughed as he left her tent.

She chuckled as she looked down at the paper and replied:

_Cullen-_

_Waking up to your letter has brightened my day considerably. Pollywog, really? I don’t know what to think of you calling the baby that. We will have to discuss it._

_Thank you for talking to Harritt. My armor is getting snug. Perhaps we could get creative with lacing or something that could be adjusted as I grow?_

_I don’t mind everyone knowing about us, Cullen. It was bound to get out and if nobody had anything to gossip about than morale would decline. We will have to discuss how to tell everyone about the baby when I return, though. What we are going to tell everyone._

_Anyway, we arrived at the Crossroads a few days ago and stayed here to help out before we headed up to Redcliffe Village. When I was here before, I managed to get the refugees settled with food, supplies, and a healer, but some other things transpired and these people needed help clearing out some bandits. Also, several rifts needed sealed. It has been busy._

_Dorian has proved invaluable though. While he and I were out hunting herbs for the healer, and to replenish our stores, we came across a device. Dorian knew exactly what it was! He started droning on and on about ‘Dreamers,’ and ‘Cults,’ and ‘Ancient Magisters.’ I don’t know, he lost me about halfway through his explanation. Dorian was really excited about it though. He called it an Astrarium and he knew how to solve it. Apparently, he had read about it in a book or something. We had to wait until nighttime because the key was that it was all about constellations! So, Dorian activates the device, solves it, and then a strange beam of light shoots off in two different directions. Dorian theorized that it connected with two other Astrariums. After we get this blasted Breach closed I bet he goes searching for them._

_I received your message. Very sneaky slipping it into my pocket. ‘You are everything.’ What does that mean? I remember what you said to me before. I believe you. It just feels so fast. However, as our Nightingale friend has told me, when something is right, and in times such as these, we have to be grateful for finding each other. As to what you are to me. You are not a means to an end, as you put it. You are special. Any other response will require a much longer letter and the runner is waiting. For the record, you don’t make me nervous- I am just no good with words! For some reason, writing is easier._

_I have no idea what else to write. I would like to know more about you. Little things like your favorite color. Mine is green, like the forest. I miss the forest. Someday, we will go camping and I will show you its beauty._

_Your-_

_Elyse_

_P.S. Send scones! Cinnamon and raisin preferably._

  
Elyse read over the letter and was satisfied with her candor. It really was easier to write for her. She folded the letter, dripped wax on it, and pushed her thumb on it to secure the seal. She exited her tent and handed it over to the waiting runner who went to her horse and took off. Elyse mounted her horse, everyone left the camp and headed north toward Redcliffe Village.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments would be greatly appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to hear thoughts!


End file.
